Brian’s Inferno
Earlier today, I wrote a quick tweet about paper jams being a layer of Hell. I think it needs elaboration, and more layers. So, I set out looking into the things that are probably some of the most frustrating, wall-punch-inducing situations in life that I’m sure Satan has concocted to give us a bitter taste of what the once-fiery inferno called Hell will be like. (This doesn’t have anything to do with annoying animals… although, that list is here.)
And, as much as I wanted to include a few people… I’m going to resist the urge because I guess it’s not fair to list names of people… not that they would be in Hell, but maybe their likeness to torment those who do… SO HARD TO RESIST!
Moving on, quickly! To the list! (which is in no particular order…)
- Paper jams. Seriously. What’s worse than a paper jam to really ruin your day? Well, a network printer jam for one. That’s the worst because you don’t know that it’s jammed until you go to grab your stupid piece of paper that you need to complete your task, only to find out that there’s been a paper jam since 7:15am when it tried to print out a daily report and EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE HAS BEEN SENDING STUFF AND NO ONE NOTICED THE JAM AND IT’S 12:00pm!
- Red Ring of Death. Now, while this one only affects those of us with an Xbox 360, I’m sure there’s still a special circle of Hell devoted to this. I’ve experienced it TWICE now. You sit down on your couch, turn on your remote and console… it starts loading… and BAM! 3 blinking red lights begin to laugh at you incessantly, causing your instinctual reaction of throwing your $50 controller across the room sound like a good idea, pissing your friend off who’s been waiting for you to get online, and eliminating all extracurricular Halo playing for the next month. If you don’t know, this is a common problem with the Xbox 360 where something inside your Xbox 360 loses a connection because Microsoft (admittedly) used cheap soldering material… and it melts sometimes… Now, you’d think after millions of people have had this issue that they would… you know, fix it permanently, but it’s Microsoft. They’re all about us creating an unhealthy dependence on their company. And, I know, I know, I should’ve gotten a PS3, but it was $650 at the time, and I love Halo, so… yeah. This could cost you money too… to fix something that they know is wrong…
- Blue Screen of Death. That’s right, another “of Death” situation. It’s true, and EVERYONE with a PC has had this problem before. Where your whole screen stops showing whatever you were doing, no matter how important, and says that your computer has “…Had a fatal error…” or, (I’ve gotten this one a few times recently) “…Memory dump…” Blah blah blah. What it means for you is that whatever you were working on is dead and you’ll have to start over. Whether you were on page 198 of your stream-of-consciousness book that you hadn’t saved yet because auto-save wasn’t working for whatever reason, or working on a 91-picture photo album on Facebook and were in the process of tagging everyone you’ve ever known and writing descriptions for everything… it’s gone. All gone, making you want to pick up your keyboard and toss it into the monitor in rage.
- Traffic jams caused by NOTHING. It’s one thing to be stuck in traffic because there’s an accident in the middle of the road. It’s still frustrating because you’re late for work and your boss probably doesn’t care about your excuses, but still, it’s hard to be mad when you finally drive past a turned over car surrounded by ambulances. It’s another stinking story when you can see a mile ahead of you where cars are driving just fine and clear of jamming, and no sign of ANYTHING IN THE WAY at all. That means that someone who doesn’t understand the idea of a highway or interstate being a place where people like to go more quickly than they can in their neighborhood. Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with Mr. (or Mrs.) I-can’t-stop-myself-from-braking-every-five-seconds, but he (or she) needs to get off the road, out of his (or her) car and start walking if they want to go so slow.
- Season 3 of Heroes. The season hasn’t even ended yet, but it’s been horrible. If you’d like to know more, I’m not going to get into it here, but you don’t want this as your eternity… Click here for more details.
- Craving a donut (or bagel) and they don’t have the one you want. That’s pretty self-explanatory, but how many times have you woken up, saying “I want a chocolate glazed donut” or “I can’t wait for my everything bagel today!” and actually being super-excited about it? Yeah, lots, right? So, you get to your favorite donut or bagel place. You place your order, trying not to drool onto the counter as you salivate over just the idea of what goodness you’re about to partake of… when the bomb drops. They’re out. And what does the person behind the counter do, they offer you something ELSE. Like a chocolate GLAZED donut or an ONION bagel. It’s not the SAME! Not at all, and they know it. They just don’t care.
- Getting a ridiculously ambiguous time frame for service. ”Okay, sir, well, we can be out there to set up your new cable service on Monday between 1:00am and 11:00pm. Is that okay?” NO! No, it’s not okay. And another thing, I WORK on Mondays. Can’t you come out on Saturdays? No? You’re closed? ”Your package will be shipped between Friday night and Wednesday of next week.” WHAT?
- Go, Diego, Go. I know, right, a kids show. I understand what Nickelodeon is doing here, but I still don’t like it. It’s the same stupid show as Dora the Explorer, but remade for boys. And, it’s supposed to be her cousin or something? That’s lame. It would be like making a whole spin-off about Magenta the dog. (Yeah, I know I’ve lost a few of you, but the parents out there know what I’m talking about.) Just because it’s a smart plan doesn’t make it any less annoying.
- AT&T. This is the cell phone service that everyone will get in Hell. Everyone will have 5 bars, all over Hell, but no actual signal. Your phone will say 3G, but you won’t get the internet. Oh, and text messages? They’ll come whenever they feel like coming. And, every call you make will end in a drop-out. Oh, and iPhones will still cost $300+ because Apple’s headquaters are in Hell too. (If you’re on Twitter, #ihateATT)
- “This is the second reminder that the factory warranty on your vehicle is about to expire…” Does anyone else get these calls or is it just me and my wife? It’s a different number everytime they call, and if you call back, there’s a different message everytime. When you actually push 1 to talk to a person and politely ask to speak to their manager or take you off their call list, they immediately hang up on you. It’s a scam. It’s harrassment. It’s ANNOYING.
To recap: Honestly, I’m not sure if any of these things will actually be in Hell, or if they actually deserve being connected with the place of eternal damnation and agony, BUT, I will say that if the idea of that being the rest of your eternity if you go to Hell, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get saved? (Yeah, I went there.)
Anything to add?
