Brian C. Russell

Well, today, I went a little crazy on over at Charisma Magazine.  To be fair, the article is absolute horse hooey.  I don’t really want to go into it about the merit of the article because I’m pretty sure someone else is going to be doing a good job of that already, but I would like to go into this whole Halloween issue.

I realize that Halloween is over, and I should just move on with my life, but seriously… are we still having this “Halloween is from the DEVIL!” conversation?

Listen, you fundamentalists out there, Halloween is just as evil as every other holiday.  Sure people go a bit nuts buying costumes that make them look like a murderer, monster, dead thing, or absolute slut-bag.  That’s a given.  But the

holiday itself is just as evil as Christmas when you get down to it.

They’re all consumer-driven holidays that thrive on the idea that people get something, and you need to buy it for them.

The idea that it’s Satan’s birthday is absolutely ridiculous.  Even if it was, wouldn’t you want to water it down by passing out as much candy as you could?

I’m not even talking about what Halloween’s roots are.  I don’t care anymore, and frankly, neither does anyone that celebrates Halloween.  It’s about kids getting candy and scaring people and lately, being a whore.  So, if we’re going to call Halloween evil, let’s just be brutally honest about it and rank it up there with all the other holidays that put more

emphasis on buying and selling than anything else, like Christmas.

Side note:  Notice that the stores skip over THANKSgiving.  Although, if you’re going to get into the history of that, then Thanksgiving is evil too because it’s based on genocide.

The holidays aren’t the evil parts.  It’s everything that we’ve turned it into.

Sure, we can keep pretending like Halloween is evil based on witch’s brew and vampires and demonic possessions, but that’s really just to scare kids and gullible people into missing the important part about holidays, in general, being about buying and selling goods, and less about the people and impact that could be made.

But, that’s something the Christian tract salesmen don’t want you to notice.

Well, there’s my thoughts.

What do you think?

Have you ever just stared at your calendar, blinking widely at all the holidays that your job wasn’t giving you holiday pay or vacation for? There’s tons of them! Some are important and some are seemingly silly. The worst is when you have a calendar that shows you all the holidays that you’re missing by being in the U.S.! What about Boxing Day?

Anyway, I’ve put together a list of holidays that should be actually celebrated. Not just remembered. This is my Top 5 Nominally Celebrated Holidays, to date.

5.) April Fool’s Day
Seriously, there was nothing more fun than April Fool’s Day when you’re growing up. What? A day where pulling pranks on EVERYONE is okay? Where do I sign up? Why don’t we get to celebrate this on a much larger scale? Okay, so some companies do go all out on their pranks, and it’s hilarious, but it should be much more widespread. Google, Bioware, Bungie, Xbox and a other websites for things all had false information up, fake products, etc. Funny stuff. But why not a big display of an awesome new toy at Toy’s-R-Us and it’s just a bunch of boxes filled with rocks! Ha! April Fool’s!

4.) May Day Play Day
Okay, so I’m not sure if this one’s even on the calendars, but it’s so awesome! Does anyone else even remember May Day Play Day in elementary school? It was a day long extravaganza of elementary Olympic-style events like hula-hooping for the longest amount of time and track and field stuff, like wheel-barrow races! Potentially more fun than April Fool’s day if done correctly. Think about your work place taking part in a hula-hooping competition… got the image? Doesn’t that seem amazing?

3.) Columbus Day
I think everyone should dress up like a sailor on Columbus day and carry around a compass. Oh, and maybe a map. Spyglass is optional, but you’ll be looked down upon by the people that aren’t lame. Really. This could be awesome! What if we all had to talk in sea-faring lingo? “Ahoy, matey!” Yeah, I’m sure the period’s off, but the only boat movie I’ve seen in while was Pirates of the Caribbean…

2.) Halloween
We should all get the day off for Halloween. Everyone quit being so weird on Halloween. If you don’t want scary stuff for your kids, arrange a trunk or treat at your church with your friends and Sunday School classes. Everyone loves putting on costumes, and I’m sure if you don’t let people do it in a safe environment, it leads to oddities in their adult life…

1.) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
Everyone should get a marble cake and the day off! There should definitely be block parties and fun! In all seriousness, Martin Luther King Jr. has come to represent Human Rights in it’s entirety and it should be celebrated with fireworks and concerts! (Well, what holiday shouldn’t be celebrated by fireworks?)

So, to recap: There are plenty of holidays that we’re getting gypped out of! Let’s take them back and celebrate all of them! (or get paid time and a half for working it!) Oh, and happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! Go shoot off some fireworks for me because I live in Florida where they don’t sell the good stuff!

What’s your favorite under-celebrated holidays and what would you do to celebrate them?

That’s right. You are not reading the title incorrectly. I’m questioning the big dropping ball in New York City.

Why in the world do we celebrate the New Year by New York’s ball dropping? Why do we go about our whole year and then watch a ball slowly slide down a pole and light up?

Aside from the fact that no one sits there and watches when this sort of thing happens to little boys, what’s the big deal with this celebration? Frankly, I’m not going to look it up. I’m sure there’s some special meaning in that ball, but I don’t really care.

I’m tired of watching a ball drop for New Year’s Eve. Who cares if it’s only using as much energy as a refrigerator? It cost $5 million! It could use a combination of solar and wind power and glow like the moon on a good day, who cares?

How many people drinking in Times Square really want to hear the Jonas Brothers? Who are the Jonas Brothers? I don’t know nor do I actually care, suffice to say that they aren’t very good. But hey, who am I to judge right? Just an average guy who doesn’t even understand the ball dropping.

Leaving out the prepubescent humor that I find in America’s ball dropping, I’m also pissed that we don’t get awesome shows like lots of other places do. What do we get, a big $5 million ball that gently sets down for a landing on in NY and confetti is sprayed all over the city? As if NYC wasn’t dirty enough…

They showed afterwards the celebrations that went on before ours around the world and I believe that England and Australia are kicking our butts to the max. Did you see the fireworks display from Australia? It was so awesome! Russia… was a different story. They had fireworks, which are better than confetti and a ball, but it was sad in comparison to the other displays.

Why can’t we do a ridiculous fireworks display to put every country to shame? Disney shoots off some of the most impressive shows every single night. Contract them out to do it! Combine forces with all the pyrotechnics that we have in Hollywood and Disney and put on a show that will make other countries’ balls drop.

The other thing is that all the other countries go first. So, if we see what they’re doing a few hours before… we have time to ramp it up! Let’s go America! For a country that gets the profile of being trigger happy with our bombs, we are seriously lacking in the explosions on New Year’s Eve.

Fireworks too expensive? Then save up your building demolitions for that day! Come on! You can’t tell me that they aren’t charging people to be out in Times Square that night! I won’t believe it! They’re at least making profit off of the stupid balloons and hats and fingers and beer and champagne!

Either way, are we really going to let Australia, England and Russia show us up? Since when!?

To recap: I think America is well past puberty and such in it’s aging and I think it’s about time that Uncle Sam let us come over to his house to blow some crap up. Don’t you?