Brian C. Russell

Earlier today, I wrote a quick tweet about paper jams being a layer of Hell.  I think it needs elaboration, and more layers.  So, I set out looking into the things that are probably some of the most frustrating, wall-punch-inducing situations in life that I’m sure Satan has concocted to give us a bitter taste of what the once-fiery inferno called Hell will be like.  (This doesn’t have anything to do with annoying animals… although, that list is here.)

And, as much as I wanted to include a few people… I’m going to resist the urge because I guess it’s not fair to list names of people… not that they would be in Hell, but maybe their likeness to torment those who do…  SO HARD TO RESIST!

Moving on, quickly!  To the list!  (which is in no particular order…)

1. Paper jams.  Seriously.  What’s worse than a paper jam to really ruin your day?  Well, a network printer jam for one.  That’s the worst because you don’t know that it’s jammed until you go to grab your stupid piece of paper that you need to complete your task, only to find out that there’s been a paper jam since 7:15am when it tried to print out a daily report and EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE HAS BEEN SENDING STUFF AND NO ONE NOTICED THE JAM AND IT’S 12:00pm!
2. Red Ring of Death.  Now, while this one only affects those of us with an Xbox 360, I’m sure there’s still a special circle of Hell devoted to this.  I’ve experienced it TWICE now.  You sit down on your couch, turn on your remote and console… it starts loading… and BAM!  3 blinking red lights begin to laugh at you incessantly, causing your instinctual reaction of throwing your $50 controller across the room sound like a good idea, pissing your friend off who’s been waiting for you to get online, and eliminating all extracurricular Halo playing for the next month.  If you don’t know, this is a common problem with the Xbox 360 where something inside your Xbox 360 loses a connection because Microsoft (admittedly) used cheap soldering material… and it melts sometimes…  Now, you’d think after millions of people have had this issue that they would… you know, fix it permanently, but it’s Microsoft.  They’re all about us creating an unhealthy dependence on their company.  And, I know, I know, I should’ve gotten a PS3, but it was $650 at the time, and I love Halo, so… yeah.  This could cost you money too… to fix something that they know is wrong…
3. Blue Screen of Death.  That’s right, another “of Death” situation.  It’s true, and EVERYONE with a PC has had this problem before.  Where your whole screen stops showing whatever you were doing, no matter how important, and says that your computer has “…Had a fatal error…” or, (I’ve gotten this one a few times recently) “…Memory dump…” Blah blah blah.  What it means for you is that whatever you were working on is dead and you’ll have to start over.  Whether you were on page 198 of your stream-of-consciousness book that you hadn’t saved yet because auto-save wasn’t working for whatever reason, or working on a 91-picture photo album on Facebook and were in the process of tagging everyone you’ve ever known and writing descriptions for everything… it’s gone.  All gone, making you want to pick up your keyboard and toss it into the monitor in rage.
4. Traffic jams caused by NOTHING.  It’s one thing to be stuck in traffic because there’s an accident in the middle of the road.  It’s still frustrating because you’re late for work and your boss probably doesn’t care about your excuses, but still, it’s hard to be mad when you finally drive past a turned over car surrounded by ambulances.  It’s another stinking story when you can see a mile ahead of you where cars are driving just fine and clear of jamming, and no sign of ANYTHING IN THE WAY at all.  That means that someone who doesn’t understand the idea of a highway or interstate being a place where people like to go more quickly than they can in their neighborhood.  Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with Mr. (or Mrs.) I-can’t-stop-myself-from-braking-every-five-seconds, but he (or she) needs to get off the road, out of his (or her) car and start walking if they want to go so slow.
5. Season 3 of Heroes.  The season hasn’t even ended yet, but it’s been horrible.  If you’d like to know more, I’m not going to get into it here, but you don’t want this as your eternity… Click here for more details.
6. Craving a donut (or bagel) and they don’t have the one you want.  That’s pretty self-explanatory, but how many times have you woken up, saying “I want a chocolate glazed donut” or “I can’t wait for my everything bagel today!” and actually being super-excited about it?  Yeah, lots, right?  So, you get to your favorite donut or bagel place.  You place your order, trying not to drool onto the counter as you salivate over just the idea of what goodness you’re about to partake of… when the bomb drops.  They’re out.  And what does the person behind the counter do, they offer you something ELSE.  Like a chocolate GLAZED donut or an ONION bagel.  It’s not the SAME!  Not at all, and they know it.  They just don’t care.
7. Getting a ridiculously ambiguous time frame for service.  ”Okay, sir, well, we can be out there to set up your new cable service on Monday between 1:00am and 11:00pm.  Is that okay?”  NO!  No, it’s not okay.  And another thing, I WORK on Mondays.  Can’t you come out on Saturdays?  No?  You’re closed?  ”Your package will be shipped between Friday night and Wednesday of next week.”  WHAT?
8. Go, Diego, Go.  I know, right, a kids show.  I understand what Nickelodeon is doing here, but I still don’t like it.  It’s the same stupid show as Dora the Explorer, but remade for boys.  And, it’s supposed to be her cousin or something?  That’s lame.  It would be like making a whole spin-off about Magenta the dog.  (Yeah, I know I’ve lost a few of you, but the parents out there know what I’m talking about.)  Just because it’s a smart plan doesn’t make it any less annoying.
9. AT&T.  This is the cell phone service that everyone will get in Hell.  Everyone will have 5 bars, all over Hell, but no actual signal.  Your phone will say 3G, but you won’t get the internet.  Oh, and text messages?  They’ll come whenever they feel like coming.  And, every call you make will end in a drop-out.  Oh, and iPhones will still cost $300+ because Apple’s headquaters are in Hell too.  (If you’re on Twitter, #ihateATT)
10. “This is the second reminder that the factory warranty on your vehicle is about to expire…”  Does anyone else get these calls or is it just me and my wife?  It’s a different number everytime they call, and if you call back, there’s a different message everytime.  When you actually push 1 to talk to a person and politely ask to speak to their manager or take you off their call list, they immediately hang up on you.   It’s a scam.  It’s harrassment.  It’s ANNOYING.

To recap:  Honestly, I’m not sure if any of these things will actually be in Hell, or if they actually deserve being connected with the place of eternal damnation and agony, BUT, I will say that if the idea of that being the rest of your eternity if you go to Hell, wouldn’t it be a good idea to get saved?  (Yeah, I went there.)

Anything to add?

I’m 100% sure of it.

Just a minute ago, at 2:37am, a gnat managed to somehow find its way to my computer screen. Mind you, the doors have been closed for who knows how long, and my office is on the second story. What is it about gnats that makes them able to do that? Are they super-bugs? With the special ability of annoying?

Just as I was thinking that gnats are #1 on the top 5 list of most annoying creatures (to date), I had to compile this list because there’s some annoying ones.

Top 5 Annoying Creatures (to date)

#5. Love Bugs. Not like Herby, no, these little black annoyances only come around for about a month at a time, which really is the only reason they’re not higher up on the list. They swarm in around, well, everything mate through their butts, spawn and die. Splatter on your car as you’re driving anywhere. It’s like they’re proximity mines too. I don’t think your car even needs to be moving. I once watched one crawl onto a car, scream and blow up, right on the hood. Guts everywhere.

#4. Manatees. Manatees? Yes Manatees. The only creature that is perpetually on the Endangered Species List. I’ve said this before, but I have a hard time being enamored with a creature who hears that same boat motor noise that cut him yesterday and still moves towards it. Like an addict or something. If Manatees were human, they’d be cutters and we’d get them professional help. Unfortunately, pampered Manatees just get fat and can’t swim in the current when release to the wild. (It’s true. I watched it happen.)

#3. Gnats. I know you’re probably surprised that gnats are only at #3, but the fact of the matter is, there’s two creatures that are far worse. I have two problems with gnats. First, I hate silent g’s, it’s just ridiculous. Why have it there? “nat” isn’t another word or anything. It is an acronym, but that’s something way different. What’s up with that g? Second, it seems like their sole purpose is annoying the crap out of you. Where do they come from? You’re standing in a field with a warm breeze caressing your skin, the clouds are fluffy and white, and the sky is as blue and beautiful as the–oh no! Gnats! They’re everywhere! Swarms and swarms of them! There’s nowhere to hide!

#2. Squirrels. Yep. Squirrels. I guess some people think squirrels are cute and stuff, but those are the people who haven’t had crazy squirrels eating their trash cans to get inside. Huge holes in the plastic of the trash can! And, they’re everywhere too! Oh, and if you have a dog, they just love to torture the poor thing. My friend’s dog has a complex because of squirrels. The mere mention of the word sends him into a frenzy.

Drum roll, please.
#1. Mosquitos. Those of you rolling your eyes at this don’t live in Florida, or anywhere where it’s muggy and hot and there’s no swamp teeming with larvae around you. Ugh! Mosquitos are just as annoying and carry all the traits of gnats, but then they pack a punch! They’re sucking your blood like tiny little vampires, and guess what: they could be carrying any virus known to man. So, these are like the plague rats of the Dark Ages? Oh, well, except that they can much more easily get into your home and kill you and your family, or at the very least make your leg itch like crazy for the next week and a half.

So, to recap: Mosquitos are more annoying than every other creature… at least right now. But, writing about all these annoying creatures just fires me up, so who knows!?

I realize that most of these are local, and I know about blind mosquitos and biting flies and horse flies, etc. So, what would be your #1 most annoying creature? Or your top 5 if you can think of 5 (it’s not as hard as it would seem!).