Brian C. Russell

Anyone who’s followed my blog or Twitter or Facebook knows how I feel about LOLcatz.  If you haven’t, let me just say that it’s hilarious… but I can’t stand the spelling.  It drives me nuts.  People have told me that it’s because they’re cats and they’re retarded and can’t type.  I hear that, I guess.

This post is about something more.  LOLcatz are a growing unreached people group in the world.  Christianity hasn’t been able to reach this demographic because of something called grammar.  There just hasn’t been the technological know-how to reach these cute, lazy creatures.

But, now, an online initiative has started to remedy that problem.  I’m not sure if this is a Wycliffe translation or not, but the LOLcat Bible Translation is in full force.

“Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.” (Genesis 1:1, LOLCat)

It’s a full translation.  And now, the LOLcatz of the world will not go without hearing the word of the Lord (Ceiling Cat) in their own language.

“So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez ‘Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u beleeves him u wont evr diez no moar, kthxbai!’” (John 3:16)

Now, all those cat-ladies won’t have to fear about their cats’ salvation, because she can minister to them in a language they’ll understand.  And now, LOLcatz have a clear advantage over dogs.

John 3:31:  “The Ceiling Cat pwnz all; Us iz n00bz, can tell from how us talk ROFL. Did ai alreddy sez Ceiling Cat pwnz?”

So, what do you think?  Think LOLcatz can go to heaven?  Or is this completely wrong (as my co-worker stated)?

(Sidenote:  Thanks Ben for this precious discovery!)

For this week’s Discussions Ahoy, I’m asking about Bibles (and yes, this is the most violent picture I could find).

Everyone has their favorite Bible, and some are VERY opposed to some.  I have had the same Bible for some time, and… well… some people were saying that it’s geared towards teens.  This would make sense because I’ve had the same type of Bible (not the exact same Bible, but the same type because I swiped a new one when mine fell apart) since I was in middle school.

My Bible has been awesome for me though.  It’s the Quest Study Bible (NIV).  The footnotes are tremendous and really help me out when I’m trying to work some stuff out.  It doesn’t have those teen-purposed pages on racy subjects like SEX and LUST or anything like that, but… frankly, pages are falling out again, and I think I need a new one.

So, with that knowledge, and the knowledge that Bibles are expensive, I want to have a good idea of what I want when I head over to the book store or Christian book store (might be cheaper at the regular book store).

The most information that I have on different Bibles was from Jon Acuff at Stuff Christians Like in his post about Bibles comparing to G.I. Joe characters.  I’m a fan of Snake Eyes, so I’m leaning towards the English Standard Version…

What Bible do you use?  Why do you use it?  Why not others?  What are the pitfalls?

(At the behest of one of my favorite fans (xy), this post is all about dragons.  If you don’t want to read about dragons and their place in the Bible, then you shouldn’t read this post.)

Smoke curled from the dragon’s nose as it slept.  The ground rumbled as the monster breathed, its scales reflecting the light from the knight’s torch as he crept closer.  The knight squinted, discerning the glimmering piles of gold from the dragon’s hide.  He eased his feet one after the other, careful not to step on any branches or pebbles, careful not to wake the beast.

With every inhalation of the dragon, the knight felt himself drawn in as if someone were pulling at his tunic, and with every exhalation, any exposed skin burned as if he were near flames.  He winced in pain as the dragon’s hot breath rushed past him and out the opening of the cave.

The knight stood next to the dragon’s neck and drew his sword, careful not to make a sound.  He raised the blade high above his head, ready to strike.

“Back to Hell with you, devil!”  He shouted as he pushed the tip of the sword down into the nape of the dragon’s neck.  Its eyes sprang open, wings unfurled and the beast flailed around spewing its acidic blood.  The knight backed away quickly, but some blood seared into his arm.

Flames flew from the dragon’s mouth like a river, engulfing everything in the cave.  Gold and jewels melted in the heat and the knight’s skin and clothing took flame incinerating him instantaneously.  The fire soon gurgled from the dragon’s mouth, and was replaced with blood as it choked and died of the mortal wound inflicted by the knight.

There’re a lot of stories of dragons in the world, but not nearly in as many cultures as some other creatures.  The main places they persist are in England and Asia.  Why is this?  I’m not terribly sure.  I did some research, but couldn’t find many explanations of regional heritage for dragons.

The difference in depiction and characteristics is very interesting.  Asian dragons are much more lizard/serpent like, and the English dragons take on a much more powerful reptilian monster feel with bat-like wings and such.  Perhaps the difference was in creatures that survived time from the dinosaur’s age, I’m not sure.

But, I knew of references in the Bible to dragons, and had to find out the connection.    There are sixteen references to dragons in the Bible… as long as you’re reading the King James Version (and some references to the English Standard Version)…  It makes sense because in feudal England, dragons were big time.  Most of the legends and tales were of dragons around that time period, so when the Bible needed a terrible creature to make the peasants not want to be like… dragons were the perfect candidates.  In the Amplified Bible, it says that dragon is the symbol for Egypt (which is interesting because an Egyptian myth

One dragon survives the jumps in translation.  That’s the dragon from Revelation.

Why do  you think the dragon remains the same in Revelation?

(Or, share your favorite dragon story/myth/Bible reference with everyone!)

Sin. We all do it, right?

So, what’s this business with Original Sin?

I was reading that the Emergent Church (which I didn’t even hear about until this week… where have I been, right?) is denouncing the belief in Original Sin. The website I was reading from seemed pretty upset about the whole situation, claiming that it’s Biblical and that ALL Christians should believe it too.

Well, I’m not terribly sure about the whole thing, but, having been indoctrinated (in a good way) for most of my life, I think I know what Original Sin is. It’s the idea that every single one of us is inherently sinful.

I don’t like that. To start with, I have a hard time saying that babies are immediately sinful and destined for Hell if they don’t turn their lives to Jesus as soon as possible. I don’t, personally, think God is that simple. I’m with the idea that babies all go to Heaven because any thing they may do, they have no real concept of right and wrong. (I also think that my pets are in Heaven, playing together, but I digress)

Now, I’ve been in church for a long time, so hearing the words Original Sin isn’t new to my Christianese-addicted ears, but I think this was the first time that I really thought about the whole situation. Personally, I think I’m going to have to disagree with the idea. It seems like some sort of cop-out to a bigger problem, but then again, I’m still on the fence about Predestination… So, I guess that’s where the real meat of the matter is.

I decided to look it up on Bible Gateway, and typed in “Original Sin.” No results.

So, I went back to the original place I saw this post about the Emergent Church. They sited Ephesians 2:1
” 1As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.”

But, I’m not satisfied with that because it’s Paul, and for me, Paul seems a bit inconsistent. A bunch of his writings are very specific to the time and place that he was writing. Like the bit about women not speaking in the church…

Paul was about the only author sited on this website as a source for the Biblical background for Original Sin.

So, naturally, I googled it. Not too many convincing BIBLICAL references to be honest, but I’m a skeptic, so who knows. Although, it was a movie with Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas, and that’s interesting. I guess.

So, to recap: It’s not a sin not to believe in Original Sin… or is it?

What do you think? Have a Biblical reference to share? Do you think babies go to Heaven?

“Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters.”

Dragons are one of many interesting little tidbits that you can pull from the King James Version of the Bible. I actually have a book on the “creatures” located in the Bible. There’s a flying four-headed leopard, a dragon, fire-breathing horses…

The best part about the book I have is that every chapter is about a different creature in the Bible and at the end of each chapter, they basically wrap it up by saying, “But this is from the King James version of the Bible, so, it’s not real.”

Now, I’m going to surprise you here, because I know I’m upsetting some people with this, but you need to hear it, I did a bit of research for this post. I figured that I needed to do a bit of it just to prove my point for those people that are die-hard KJV. But, knowing the people that I know that are KJV fanatics, they’re not going to listen to reason anyway. So, here it goes!

1.) First off, all the information that I found about King James (James VI at first) was that he was very smart, published this version of the Bible, and, oh wait, he was most likely a bisexual. No need to cite a specific website because you can find that out anywhere. Interestingly enough, most priests that have issues of this nature pretty much lose their credibility… but not King James! Nope, why wouldn’t you believe what he has to say about divinity and such? Now, I realize that homosexuality is becoming trendy so most churches are all “open doors” and stuff, but, uh… really? The translation might get a little skewed… don’t you think?

2.) Secondly, it’s the most inaccurate translation. It might be second only to The Message, but that’s a paraphrasing of the scripture… so I don’t think it counts. The translation is apparently based on bad Greek texts too! So, it’s inaccurate from the outset!

3.) Thirdly, it’s hard for the rest of your Bible study group to follow along with your reading. Your Bible doesn’t make any sense anymore. Maybe long ago, when it was the only translation into English, but now, we have more accurate and easier to read too!

4.) Fourthly, we have a ton of other translations, why this one? Why is Olde English the right way? Since when? Is this that sign about England owning a portion of our country in the near future? Who knows? The Bible wasn’t written in Olde English to start with anyway! It was written in Hebrew and Greek. And, there’s different dialects of both of those languages, so, why is this one ye olde standby and thine foundation?

5.) Fifthly, seriously, it’s hard for your Bible study partners to follow along with your Bible. They’re not strong enough to tell you, but I am. Your version of the Bible is awful and there should be a government rebate check to upgrade everyone to a newer version of the Bible just like the cable situation. NIV’s nice.

So, to recap: I’m not even joking around. KJV is so hard to follow. I don’t know what verse you’re on when it comes to my turn… Thee? Thine? Doeth? What?!

I’m going to end this with a pretty awesome KJV verse.

“I said of laughter, It is mad: and of mirth, What doeth it?”