Blinking Away Would-be Tears

Questions stifled any form of joy the books said Eric should have.  The books… 350 pages of nothing but lollipops and rainbows and diaper jokes.  Haha, real funny, he thinks, now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Debbie squeezes his hand, crying out sort of to him, but more out of pain.  Tears stream down her reddened face.  He mouths, I love you, and squeezes her hand back three times.

He feels like he’s underwater, and muted, he hears the doctor talking to a nurse, and yelling, “Push!”

Where’s that joy the books talked about?  All the jokes about how funny and exciting having a child was?  My feet aren’t cold, but I’m not sure this is what I want. What about me?  What about vacations?  Trips?  My job?  Our bills?

Will I be a good father?

Moisture wells up in his eyes, but he blinks it away before it can become anything more.  They’d talked about this for a long time, and it’s been nine months.  Everything will be great, he tells himself, but he’s not sure he believes it.

Will the baby be okay?  Will she be okay?

A cry, not his wife, peeks into his ears, and he blinks away some more would-be tears.  Deep breath, here we go.

She’s covered in disgusting nastiness, dripping all over.  Poor little girl, he thinks.  The doctors haphazardly wipe her with a white towel (something his wife would yell at him for at home), and hand her, screaming, to him.

Her eyes are blue, just like his, and she’s screaming her face red, but she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, held, or touched.  He cradles her in his arms for what seems like eternity, never really wanting the moment to pass.  Even though she’s crying, everything feels silent and peaceful, and it was as if God was there, patting him on the shoulder saying, “This one’s special to me, I’ll help you out with her.”

And in that moment, as he realizes that he needed to let my wife see her, he knows that all of his fears were for nothing.  God’s with him, every step of the way, and if he lets God, He’ll make Eric a good father.

Eric hovers their baby girl over his wife, and she reaches up wearily, smiling, happiness exuding from her being, and he knows they named her the right name.

Abigail, who gives joy.