Automated Stupidity

So today, I’m calling our mortgage company to make sure that they pay our insurance…

Naturally, it’s an automated line.  Which, can go one way or another.  Either it will be great, you’ll get the information you need (but still be frustrated) OR you will just wind up frustrated and by the time you finally get a representative to pick up, you’re pissed and they’re the first person to receive your wrath.

Your fate starts as you’re asked in a secret robot code whether or not you habla Espanol.  Which would be fine if the process was standardized in any way, but lately I’ve noticed that different numbers don’t have English as #1 and Espanol as #2.  I don’t mind the Spanish question.  I think it’s helpful if you speak Spanish, but the buttons should be standardized.  I heard one that just asked in Spanish “marca ocho.”  Really?  8?  There weren’t any other options.  What’s wrong with all the other buttons?

From there your call goes into Mission Impossible mode as you curl into a ball, cupping your hand around the phone so you can hear all the options.  It’s at this point that you find out whether or not you have the new or old style automation, or a combination.  If you speak Spanish, please let me know if they have the speaking part or not.  I’ve never tried to work my way through in Espanol.  Maybe another day.

If you get the old-style, then I hope you don’t have a touch screen phone that locks every two seconds because guess what.  You’re going to screw something up, miss the option you want and have to listen to the whole stupid thing all over again.  But, even if you do have a regular touch tone phone, it all depends on the system.  One that I recently called MADE YOU WAIT UNTIL EVERY OPTION HAD BEEN STATED.  That’s right.  When your option came up, you had to remember it for the rest of the other 8 options to go through.  THEN and only then can you push the appropriate button.  IF you remember.  Not to mention it didn’t tell me this rule.  I just figured it out about the 4th time through the options as I kept “selecting an incorrect option.”  Son of a…

But, if you get the new style, I hope you enunciate properly like British royalty or else you’re going to get anything and everything wrong.  Seriously.  I’ve never put so much thought into how I say the number 6.

The newest voice-automation systems just try this approach:  ”Tell me what your calling about.”    Which completely throws you off if you’re not ready for it.  You can try your best to say exactly what it is, but the machine’s only got programmed responses, so there’s a good chance that you’re screwed from the get-go.  But, I know I’m not the only one that sits there for a minute thinking, “What are the keywords that’s going to get me to the right place?”  It’s kind of like trying to search engine optimize your query.  Good luck.

Oh, and “Speak with a Representative” never works the first time through.  NEVER.

This one today though had an awesome response though.  I’ve gone through to the very specific menu about what I need.  I’m down to the final stretch.  I’m past the 5th round of “Tell me what you need.”  And onto the obligatory list of options when I hear sweet music to my ears:  ”Speak with an agent.”

My mind went numb with excitement.  Finally!  My prayers had been answered!  ”Speak with an agent,” I said with zeal.

This is the response to that option.  Mind you, it was AN OPTION GIVEN TO ME…

“You mentioned that you would like to speak with a representative, but I think I can probably help you.  Say…” and continued with the same set of options…

WHAT THE HECK!?

Luckily, I hadn’t quite run out of patience yet, so I said again, “Speak with an agent.”  And it let me.

If machines ever do take over… I hope they slaughter us or put us in The Matrix cause if we have to deal with them for everything… I think we’ll do it ourselves.

Do you have any good automation stories?