Hot, Cold, Hot, Cold, Hot?!
Welcome to frickin’ Florida where the weather makes you want to scream and curse and throw something other than caution at the wind!
People tell me that it’s better than other places that freeze and people die during the winter. Okay, I’ll give you that. Yes, it is better than freezing to death. I’m more complaining because FL just won’t make up its stupid mind on whether or not it’s summertime.
Listen, FL. You hear me? Make up your darned mind already! It was cold this morning, so they turned off the A/C in my office, and now it’s sweltering! Decide!
Not even God likes a fence straddler. I’m pretty sure He said he’d spit you out. OHHH! I get it. I’m in Hell. Bummer.
And to think you can just move in and out of it like this… Like Orpheus on his grand quest to Hades, just prancing around trying to find his runaway girlfriend only to find her shacking up with the Lord of the Underworld… but I digress.
I do have a concession though. I would rather live in FL than in a place where a tornado could swoop down and suck me to a faraway land like Oz. I have a problem with Munchkins… Or, a place where an earthquake could break my country off into the ocean where the US Government decides to send all of it’s criminals after Manhattan gets too full. Although, getting to be called “Snake” sounds pretty amazing.
Seriously though, hurricanes are at least a bit predictable. You can know that they’re coming. It’s still horrible and lives are ruined, but you have time to prepare yourself. I guess.
Besides, FL is where everyone has to run to (along with Mexico) when those crazy tidal waves sink the upper U.S. (and Canada I imagine) and then super-freezing hurricane-like monstrosities come and freeze everything. But, don’t worry, just stay in the library, Dennis Quaid will be there shortly.
Last, but not least, I’m pretty sure no aliens will be landing on top of a FL building. They seem to only really want to destroy New England and Las Vegas.
To recap, I’m going to pass this off to my good buddy, Pat Robertson. Take it away Pat!
“I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you, This is not a message of hate — this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor” (1998).
Ah, thank you, Pat, for wrapping up this silly movie summarizing, weather-hating, random post with a good, ignorant, and altogether hateful quote to surpass you into eternity!
Pop quiz:
1.) What movies were alluded to?
2.) Who (aside from Orlando, smarty pants!) was Pat Robertson talking to?
3.) What’s the weather like where you are?
4.) Would you trade your weather for FL’s?
